With school back in session, most of us were running around trying to find all of the supplies listed for the grade our child was entering, getting back into the weekday routine, dragging our children out of bed after a summer hiatus, and managing all of the normal day to day things we already do. In my home, we decided to add to the chaos by adopting another puppy. Nothing like a full house and lots of hair to keep you on your toes!
One task I choose to take on is providing home lunches for my daughter 4 days a week during the school year. Since the school has made a lot of improvements on their menu, like switching to more homemade foods and offering salads and veggie bars daily, I do let her pick one day a week to enjoy a school lunch of her choice. Most kids would pick “mac’n’cheese day” but her favorite school lunch has been Salisbury steak for 3 years running.
Among the stack of papers sent home this year in the first few days of school was a brochure about the new “Birthday Club” program. Basically it stated that no snacks are to be brought to school anymore on student’s birthdays and provided a list of nonfood items to be brought in and shared instead, such as pencils, glow sticks, or sticker books.
When I was in elementary school, we were allowed to bring in homemade baked items, years later they switched the policy to allow only store bought goodies for sanitation reasons. With the growing number of children with food allergies, this year our district decided to no longer allow treats of any kind to be distributed among the class. When I first saw this, I will admit I was shocked. Not because we could no longer bring in cookies or cupcakes, but because the food allergy epidemic is getting out of control. I remember there being maybe a handful of kids in my grade with any sort of allergy….now we are seeing 5+ kids per classroom!
As I thought about it a little more, I quickly realized what an amazing shift this is. Years ago the schools began removing sugar laden products from the vending machines, including soda and candy. Why it was there in the first place is beyond me. I think about it from two perspectives: the teacher and the student. Let me paint those pictures for you:
The teacher is not only unpaid, but over worked. They are expected to produce a product that is acceptable and prepared for mainstream society one day. They have requirements and restrictions from the state and government on how they are to run their classrooms with no input from the teacher them self. They have 30+ students in most cases, many with attention and learning disorders. Add sugar to the mix, and now you have a classroom of children first bouncing off of the walls, then crashing and going through withdrawals of the “feel good” sensation that sugar delivers to their brain. And we expect them to be successful in teaching our children math and science in this condition?
The child goes to school and knows that they are expected to learn, even when conditions make it hard to do that. Besides arriving with a tummy full of sugary cereals lacking the nutrition their growing minds need, now they are given juice at lunch (and are told it counts as a fruit), are rewarded with candy for answering the correct questions during a pop quiz, and walk past the school store full of junk in brightly colored wrappers. The child doesn’t finish their lunch because they want to make sure they have room for something sweet before returning to class. Their day is a constant roller coaster of sugar highs followed by crashes. Their attention is compromised, causing them to either miss the lesson or get into trouble for “screwing around”. If the teacher reprimands the child in front of the class, now we have a child feeing embarrassment and shame when they were simply responding to the sugar they have been fueled on since they woke up. And we expect our kids to retain the information they are taught during the school day? Wake up people.
This is not a battle against sugar. Do I give my daughter ice cream and treats from time to time? Of course. I’m not saying no sugar ever. I do not send those things to school with her though. I care too much about her education, and the teacher’s sanity to do that. Don’t know what I mean? Think about the time a friend or family member fed your kid a bunch of candy late in the day or evening and then went on their merry way only to leave you to deal with the monster that would unleash soon when all you wanted was a quiet and easy going night at home. See what I mean?
But won’t the kids just get overly defiant if they are told they can’t have sweets? Not necessarily. My daughter doesn’t feel deprived of the sweet stuff because each week when we go grocery shopping she has the task of picking out her own fruit and vegetable to be packed in her lunches. See? Kids love to feel like they have a choice. By involving them in this decision, they feel a sense of pride over what they are eating and enables them to keep making better judgements.
I cannot express how thrilled I am that our district made this incredible policy change. Besides the obvious effects of consuming too much sugar like cavities, weight gain, and attention issues, there are a list of other things we threaten our children with (and ourselves, for that matter) such as stressing out the liver with over-consumption that can ultimately lead to Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease. Sugar can also increase bad cholesterol and raise triglycerides, feed cancer cells, and ultimately hijacking the brain in an addictive response the same way that cocaine does. They also predict that 1 out of 3 people born after the year 2000 will be diagnosed with Type-2 Diabetes – 1 in 2 among minorities. I’m not just saying this… Google it if you want to see for yourself. It’s scary stuff, people!
At the end of the day, I think all parents want a better life for their children then they had. In a world where very few things are truly up to us, what we feed our families is something we have 100% control over. I encourage you to exercise this right and think about the effects down the road of allowing the little ones to suck on sugar all day long. Better yet, try taking it out of their diets for 21 days (the length of time shown to break old habits and develop new ones) and monitor the differences. This isn’t just a “health chick on a heath kick” rant. Jesse from Breaking Bad had it right when he said excitedly: “science, bitch”.
If you want to try a sugar detox, or have in the past, let me know! Comment and tell me what you noticed, how you felt, and what drove you to do it in the first place! Until next time, stick to fruit for your sweet tooth, and read your labels.
Welcome back! I hope you’ve had time to check out my other blog postings, but don’t worry if you haven’t – they are not written to be read in order! With summer coming to an end, I’m seeing the wonderful little thing known as routine coming back – thank you God!
I’ve been sharing my health and fitness journey on my social media pages (Facebook and Instagram) for the past couple of years. I do this for a couple of reasons:
I know that there are people out there watching and craving new information, so I share that.
I love finding new meals ideas and recipes and sharing that. Who doesn’t love a good food post?
I want to help inspire as many people as I can that it’s about the mind and body collectively.
Even I need accountability, and putting myself out there keeps me going.
If I can do it, you can too!
We all have that friend or family member that seems to have it all together. That person that we roll our eyes at, wish would just shut up, or (secretly) envy for all of the things they seem to be able to do in the 24 hours a day they are given.
I didn’t always have the time to devote to my newest lifestyle, but then again, I never thought I would have had the time to be a parent and 8+ years later, here we are – heading into 3rd grade! So how do I manage to be a mother, a partner, a multi-dog owner, a homeowner, a full-time employee, a self-study student, an avid gym goer, and consistent meal prepper? This is something many people ask me about. I’ve heard positive statements such as “you are so inspirational! I don’t know how you find the time to do it all!” and “wow girl, you are rocking it!” But… I’ve also heard the negative side such as “you make your child go to the gym 3 nights a week with you?” and “oh you won’t come out for a happy hour but you’ll spend hours in the gym?” or “we’re on vacation, why are you making yourself go to the gym?” Believe me, I’ve heard it all.
Some people would get upset with the negative-nancys out there, but to me, they are in short more fuel added to my fire. Do I like to go big or go home? Hell yea. I also know my limits and the warning signs to look out for when I’m over-doing it.
When I look back over my life, it’s very obvious to me that I thrive under pressure. Not everybody operates that way, but I tend to be most productive in life when I have the most things going on all at once. With that however, the level of stress rises considerably. I tend to like things done a certain way, but I also find myself annoyed when others don’t offer to help me (inherited that from my dad). Makes tons of sense huh? Not so much. I’m working on it, I promise.
The number one thing I’ve learned is to be gentle with myself. I am only one person, and I am only human. Shit happens and time passes more quickly when I have several things on my to-do list. I’m trying not to let it bother me when I am not able to get everything accomplished in a single day. With that being said, I decided I’d give you a list of what I do in a typical day to outline how I balance this thing called life:
4:30am – Wake up
5am-6am – Gym time (if I can get my butt out of bed!)
6am-7am – Shower and dressed
7am-8am – Ride the bus to work (this is where I catch up on videos, lectures, or homework)
8am-4:30pm – Work (during downtime I work on homework, blogs, social media updates, pay bills, etc.)
4:30pm-5:30pm – Commute home (more videos, sometimes Netflix, or when needed: a nap)
5:30pm-8pm – make dinner, spend time with my family, light housework
8pm-9pm – I still lay with my daughter until she falls asleep. The time is takes ranges from day to day.
9pm-9:45pm – prep lunches and breakfasts for the next day.
9:45-10:30pm – relax on the couch with my hunny 🙂
10:45pm – Bedtime
When I look at it, it doesn’t seem overly impressive. I mean, doesn’t everyone have a similar schedule? I will tell you that at least once a week we have sports in the evening after school, or have to run some errand or appointment. So this is a rough draft that is subject to change at any time. Also, it should be noted that my boyfriend can be home at any time and helps out with housework and lawncare, so I’m not literally doing everything myself. In other words: learn to ask for and accept help.
A while ago I had decided to make some adjustments. I decided evenings at home with my family were the most important thing for me. I began waking up very early (ass-crack-of-dawn-early) to fit in my workouts so that I was free to relax at night. Some nights I flip that and work out at night and meal prep in the morning. Nothing is set in stone.
So what does it all boil down to? Priority. You will make time for the things that are important to you. Prior to my current relationship, I never turned on the television at night. I have zero problem not watching the latest hit show or spending hours in front of Netflix. Notice that I don’t have “social hour” in my daily schedule breakdown. Why? Because for me, I get all of the socializing I need at work or through social media. Personally, I need my evenings to recharge as I am easily burned out being around people. Occasionally though, yea I get out and see people. I’m not a hermit, after all.
There is one thing to remember: we all have the same 24 hours in a day. How do you choose to use your time? Is it making you more or less productive than you want to be? Is this current use of time benefitting you, your goals, or your plans for the future? Take some time to really think about that.
Schedule in the things you want to do. MAKE THE TIME. Commitments to yourself should be JUST AS IMPORTANT as those made to other people. You ARE worth it. It’s okay to make a date with yourself.
Many people express a desire to “get fit” and adopt a new routine. While this is wonderful and makes me heart oh-so-happy, it can be a tough road to travel in the beginning. This journey is littered with ups and downs and moments of elation followed by moments of self-doubt.
In a previous post Push: Start I made the statement that it’s just not very realistic to try to change everything all at once. It’s overwhelming and intimidating, especially if it’s all brand new to you. Most people can navigate a kitchen, but can’t navigate a grocery store or nutritional labels properly. Most people can throw a stone and land on about 3 gyms nearby, but have no idea what to do once they get there, and therefor don’t go. Sound like someone you know?
When it comes to making changes to your health or fitness, each person is going to be better taking an approach that fits their life. There is no one-size-fits-all. Hopefully what I will share will bring a little light to the situation and help you to move forward in your journey towards health.
There are many reports and studies that state that when it comes to weight loss, fitness progress, and physique reconstruction, nutrition will be doing 70-80% of the work here. Ever heard of the line “you can’t out train a shitty diet?” It’s true. Now, there are those few types of people that have crazy fast metabolisms and can literally eat anything and everything and not gain weight. While this sounds like a dream to most of us, this can be a big problem when those individuals have the desire to put on muscle. It takes a lot of structured eating, and meticulous diet tweaks to ensure that their bodies use the food in the proper way for muscle growth.
Since nutrition is the major player here, it would make sense to get that part on track first, right? But how, when there are sooo many different diet theories out there claiming to be the best? It truly boils down to bio-individuality. Everybody is different, and every body requires different things to perform optimally. Take a moment to think about your current diet – not what you are doing to lose weight, but diet in terms of what you consume on a daily basis. Are those foods serving you the way you want them to? Do you wake up every day feeling light and happy? Do you feel full of energy throughout the day and find yourself to be productive? Does bedtime pose very little issue when it comes to falling asleep and staying asleep? If you didn’t answer yes to all of these questions, we may have some work to do!
There are diets out there that food shame certain food groups. While the low carb crowd like to omit fruit from their diets, the vegetarians eat these foods pretty freely. Some spout that animal protein is terrible for you, while others claim that soy based proteins are not at all a better choice. What’s my suggestion? Simple.
First off, you want to see some progress quickly? Cut the processed foods from your diet. I hesitate even calling those items food, as most of the ingredients on their labels are not recognized by the average person or even pronounceable. Real, whole foods – found in nature – are the key to your success. It doesn’t even have to be fancy, raw or cooked, you will be doing your body a great service to make these foods the bulk of your daily intake. Imperative vitamins and minerals are found in these foods and designed to supply our body with what it needs to survive and thrive. Some simple changes are found all over Pinterest and Instagram such as substituting zucchini noodles for pasta, olive and coconut oils for canola and vegetable oils, and lettuce wraps in favor of bread and tortillas. Pretty simple, right?
What if you are already eating clean and still seems to be stuck? Maybe something you are eating is not agreeing with your body. This could be on a level that isn’t as noticeable as say hives or other severe reactions. Fatigue, bloating, digestive issues, skin problems, and mood fluctuations are all examples of symptoms that can be traced to food sensitivities. This doesn’t mean that you are allergic and can never have these foods. Chances are you may just need to spend some time balancing your gut and allowing your body a break from the constant stress of digesting foods that pose problems. The simplest way to do this is to cut out the major offenders: sugar, wheat, soy, dairy, msg, alcohol, legumes (including peanuts), and eggs if you think they cause you problems. Try omitting these things from your diet for a minimum of 3 weeks and take notice how you feel. If you think you aren’t noticing any changes, try reintroducing that food back for a couple days and then take it away again and monitor your body. When I did this, I noticed my body would react suddenly any time I had wheat or dairy by bloating, gas, and stomach pains. Sometimes I would experience brain fog and light headedness. For me, it wasn’t worth feeling like that just to have a Subway sandwich. I cut those foods out for about 8 months. After that I began bringing them back a little at a time. Now, I can handle both in small amounts without much issue. It’s all about trial and error here!
Once you have a good grasp on your diet, other things in life seem to become easier to squeeze in. With an emphasis on clean eating, you’ll notice increased energy, effortless weight loss, clearer skin, more confidence and a renewed zest for life. Who wouldn’t feel more motivated to get their butt to the gym or outside for a run?
To sum up, you can squat all you want, but if you follow that kickass workout with a plethora of pizza, tacos, and ice cream, you will not see much in terms of losing weight or muscle definition. This of course does not mean you can never have those foods. It’s about balance. I recommend treating yourself to a meal of your choice 1-2x over the weekend, and staying on track the rest of the time. If you notice yourself having insane cravings in the beginning, remember it’s the sugar monster that the processed food industry left behind and soon he will settle down. Be patient and be consistent.
If you would like to discuss some ways that you can turn into a clean eating machine, feel free to reach out to me. I would love to help you in any way that I can! And with that, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes about food:
“Don’t eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food.” – Michael Pollan
What would you say if I told you that you have the potential to cut the chances of developing cancer by as much as 400%? Or that you can slow the aging process without spending a dime on surgery or fancy creams? That you could improve your mood without any side effects of medication? That you could improve the quality of your sleep without waking up groggy or disoriented? That you could help reduce cravings for processed carbohydrates (aka junk food), and actually stabilize your blood sugars – naturally? I’m willing to bet you may be thinking: what kind of wizardry is she speaking of??
Yes, that’s right, breathing. More specifically diaphragmatic or soft belly breathing. This has been shown to produce amazing results in everything I’ve listed above, and more. Not only will practicing for as little as 10min a day help reduce your risk of cancer, heart disease, and diabetes, but it also helps you to handle stress more effectively and generally makes you healthier overall!
It’s a very simple, low cost and time investing tool that could really make all the difference in your life, and the lives of those around you. And now I’ll tell you just how to do it!
Find a comfortable position, either laying down or upright. If you are sitting, relax the shoulders down. Place one hand on your abdomen.
Relax your belly. This is where the magic happens.
Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose, filling your lungs and expanding your belly. Hold this breath for 5 seconds or more.
Slowly exhale by using your belly to push the air out, and repeat the cycle for 8-10min. That’s it!
Not only is this simple, but you can practice it ANYWHERE without drawing any unnecessary attention to yourself. They say the best times to do this is first thing in the morning, or right before bed. I have also done this while waiting at the dentists’ office, riding the bus, and sitting at my desk at work.
This isn’t only for adults, either. I have recently introduced my daughter to this practice (she’s 8 by the way). While she only had the ability to stick with it for about 2min, the effects were evident immediately. We tried this technique with her one night at bedtime, lying next to each other and simply breathing. After a few breaths she rolled onto her side and fell asleep instantly! She also woke the next morning much easier than in the past, and I believe she slept a little deeper that night.
Studies also show that children who battle with attention disorders, anxiety, depression, and anger issues can benefit greatly from soft belly breathing. That, along with a healthy diet, is cheaper than any doctor visits or ridiculous medications. Win-win!
I encourage you to try this every night for a week… then journal or write down what you noticed about yourself after completion. I’ve noticed that I have been able to handle my own anxious tendencies, sleep better, and that little things that used to flare up my temper no longer bother me. All without medicinal intervention! So give it a shot, you have nothing to lose, and so much to gain!
When it comes to wanting to upgrade your life, your body, or your habits, it can be VERY overwhelming to know where to begin. Should I start with a gym membership? A kitchen overhaul? Jump into the newest, hottest diet trend? Attend yoga classes? Adopt a meditation routine? Start running every morning? Follow a bunch of people on social media and do as they do? Not that any of these are bad things to start with, but let’s be honest: no one in their right mind could do a complete 180 and change EVERYTHING they are doing (or not doing) overnight. This is real life, after all.
Okay, take a breath, we will get through this together. The biggest thing to remember is that age old saying: “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. A true transformation of habits occurs slowly, steadily, and one at a time. This makes for lasting success for the long haul, which is good for everyone involved.
But where to begin? That’s up to you, as we are all different. First, take out a sheet of paper and write down 5 things you believe you need to change in order to reach the goal you would like to one day accomplish. These things may seem as intimidating as climbing Mt. Everest for now, but bear with me. Look at those five items and pick one thing you want to start with. For example, let’s say you would like to begin drinking more water and less sugar filled drinks like soda or fancy coffees from Starbucks. It can be scary and overpowering to think that at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning you are no longer allowed to have those drinks. Instead, make a small goal for yourself, something easily attainable. When I began adding more water in, I did it slowly. Adding an extra 8oz to what I was drinking every day and increasing by another 8oz each week. This technique will naturally crowd out the drinks you desire to give up, but with much less stress and withdrawals. Currently, I’m up to a gallon or more of water a day. Eventually, you’ll see that the water truly quenches your thirst, and the beverages of your past no longer serve you the way they used to.
This technique works with the gym as well. Start off with looking at your schedule. What can you realistically commit to, without too much shuffling of your normal activities? We all have the same 24 hours in a day. There may be time here and there that you don’t even realize is open for a quick HIIT session or group fitness class. You do NOT have to do this every day, either! Again, start small. Waking up one morning and saying: “self, starting today we are going to go to the gym 7 days a week and that’s that” can be a recipe for failure. Talk about pressure!! Generally, when people jump head first into something new, they tend to beat themselves up over every little set back and can actually be easily convinced to give up and slide even further backwards from their goals. No Bueno.
But Ame, I am a single mom and I don’t think I can make it to the gym often enough for real results. That’s totally understandable. My daughter was 4 years old before I was able to sneak out of the house on a consistent basis to make it to the gym. This only works however if you have someone to babysit during that time, and that is usually the kink in the chain. Believe me, I get it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find 20-30min a few times a week to do a quick sweat sesh in your living room. OR you can include the family in your workouts. Grab the kids, their bikes, and your running shoes and take it outside. A rousing game of tag on the playground counts if you work up a sweat! Even setting up a relay race or obstacle course in the backyard can have you fitting into your skinny jeans in no time. Not to mention how much cooler your kids will think you are!
What about something we all could use more of? I’m talking about the most underrated, underutilized, and most common thing people skimp on: SLEEP! I don’t think I’ve met anyone that said that they think they sleep too much. This is something I struggle with a lot. I like to be Wonder Woman and Super Mom, but sometimes, I feel more like the Crypt Keeper by Friday afternoon and end up spending my weekend far less productively than I’d like to. On the regular, I average between 5-6+ hours a night of sleep. I’m not one to wake up multiple times, so I would mostly consider that a steady sleep. However, when on a long weekend at a friend’s cabin recently, I noticed that my body would easily sleep 8 hours uninterrupted. I would wake (without an alarm) at the same time every morning, feeling refreshed and full of energy. So what’s my plan? Getting to bed an extra 15-30min each night for a week or two, and slowly increasing that once I have a handle on the small change of routine. We all know we are more productive when we are rested, yet we don’t make time to ensure our bodies are getting the rest and recovery they desire.
So what’s the point of all of this? I believe it boils down to marking your goals higher up on your list of priorities than they are currently ranked – but doing it slowly. A little bit here and there; a minor tweak to your daily routine to make room for something you long to have. In some cases, this will require some sacrifice. In my case, I have sacrificed tv time, and happy hours. But for me, these were things I didn’t mind not participating in. What will it be for you?
If you’d like to connect and brainstorm some ways we can incorporate new things into your life, feel free to reach out to me! For now I will leave you with this thought to chew on: You define what is important to you by what you dedicate your time to. Heavy, huh?
Everyone has a chapter (but most likely more than one) that help to define them as individuals. Generally, these are not always the happy-go-lucky situations or experiences. That’s not to say that only shitty times mold us, but I would say the resilience and the lessons we learn during these times are true testaments to our character. These are the times that not only test us, but scare the hell out of us. Living nightmares that don’t fade away with the rising sun.
There will always be dark with the light. Good with the bad. Not all of my posts are going to be aimed at health and wellness of the body. Sometimes, we have things occur to us, not physically, but emotionally and/or psychologically. The health and wellness of our minds are as important (if not more) than the gains we make in the gym, or the progress we make in the kitchen.
I have never openly shared the story of what happened that day. The morning I woke up to the horrific news and had to explain to my 5 year old princess that she was without the king in her life. While I had been a single parent for years, a role I never expected to have was immediately placed on my shoulders: sole parent.
It was July 3rd, my daughter and I had been out to see the firework show that a local suburb of Minneapolis puts on. We like to go to this show, as it makes it so much nicer not having to get up early for work the next day. We’d spent hours walking the carnival they had set up, eating caramel corn, ice cream treats, and mini donuts (Mmm donuts). When the light show was about to start we made our way to the street and sat down on the curb and curled up together. It was amazing. We ooh’d and ahh’d, and couldn’t get enough. When they ended, we hauled ass back to the car to try and beat the traffic leaving the event. Wishful thinking on my part, as we ended up trapped in a parking ramp for almost 45min. Luckily, it was late, and Peanut had fallen asleep so I just sat back and relaxed and patiently made my way home. I knew the next day we had planned to meet some friends at the beach for a few hours, and just the thought of having my toes in the sand kept the normal road rage I display from time to time at bay.
We got home late, and I carried Kaylynn into my room and placed her on my bed, then went out to the living room and flopped down on the couch. My mother was living with us then, and had been up watching tv. We chatted for a little bit about the upcoming long weekend. She was babysitting all weekend as I had made plans to go up north to a boyfriend’s cabin for his birthday, which happened to be July 4th. Mom was telling me all of the things she had planned to do and was looking forward to keeping our tiny motor mouth busy for a few days with all sorts of fun activities. We finished our conversation, hugged, and went to bed.
I rarely wake up in the middle of the night. For some reason, I remember rolling over and instinctively grabbing for my phone to check the time (I mean, who has real alarm clocks anymore, anyway?). What I saw was that it was about 4:30am, and I had upwards of 12 missed phone calls – all from the same two numbers: his mom, and his sister. I knew something was wrong, but mentally, I wasn’t ready to find out what yet. I rolled over and immediately fell back asleep, hard.
The sun beating through my windows around 7:30am was enough to wake me up. I remember laying there for a moment, thinking I had been dreaming earlier… I mean, the sun was shining, it was a holiday (and in my opinion, one of the best ones), and I was being snuggled by my mini. How could there be anything wrong today? But almost as soon as those thoughts wafted through my mind, they were interrupted by the realization that I had in fact seen missed calls on my phone. I reached for it and saw that now I had missed close to 40 phone calls. Just then, the phone began ringing in my hand.
I took a deep breath and answered the call. “Ame??” I heard on the other line. “Yea, it’s me, what’s going on?” It was his sister, my long time best friend, and she did not sound good. “Hold on,” she said and handed the phone over. “Ame, are you there?” His mom was now on the phone. My heart was pounding and my chest felt like a thousand pounds with each breath as I assured her that I was there. “Jordan’s gone,” she stated. Wait, what?? “He was in a car accident and was killed early this morning while leaving the bar,” she continued. “Can you please call his friends and tell them? And please don’t share it on Facebook, we are still trying to get in touch with grandma to tell her.” My mind was stunned. What in the actual fuck was happening?
My mom has always been an early riser and heard the whole thing from the other room. Since Kaylynn had been in my room, I was perched on the end of her bed during this phone conversation. Mom had sat down beside me at some point and had her arm around me. The first thing that came out of my mouth was wondering what I supposed to do now with an entire weekend planned for both of us. Mom didn’t have an answer…no one had answers at this moment. Still in shock, I told her to let me know when Kaylynn woke up, and I stepped outside to make some of the hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to make…
I met Jordan when I was 12 years old. A friend and I were walking up and down Main Street of our quiet, small, hometown of Princeton, MN. We were dressed far older than we were, and had gobs of makeup on that no 12 year old should have been wearing. At the time, we lived for cat calls from “hot” guys driving around, or riding bikes up and down the 2-traffic-light strip. A dark Bronco pulled into a nearby parking lot and we trotted over to say hello. Two very good looking guys were in the front seat, hanging out of the windows to chat us up. We exchanged names and small talk. Then the other boy asked how old we were, and we truthfully said twelve. The conversation pretty much ended there and the vehicle sped off. I remember my friend saying, “I call Josh!” to which I immediately responded, “good, I liked Jordan anyway!” It would be a couple more years before I saw him again, when I got my first job at Taco John’s and found that he also worked there. We remained friends and occasionally he would buy my beer for house parties once he was of age, but we didn’t start dating until I was 18.
To make a long story short, we started dating in April of 2004. I graduated that year and moved to Chicago for school. 8 weeks later, he joined me in the Windy City and we lived there together for 3 1/2 years. I was getting lonesome for family and Minnesota life, and decided I wanted to move back home, with the plan that he would stay in Chicago for awhile and save up so we could get our place once he was ready to move back. We were on and off for the year he stayed behind. Long distance relationships are tough, and even more tough when communication is broken and substance abuse comes into play. But we worked through it, and after a month long “break” we reconciled and were better than ever. We even began having grown-up talks, like babies and home ownership. Something we never discussed previously without a look of absolute horror plastered on our faces.
When it was time for him to make the move, I had flown out to Chicago to help him pack the last of his stuff, and together we drove back to Minnesota and stored everything at my aunt’s house. Two weeks later, I woke up on a Saturday morning with one thought on my mind: my period was a day late. Now this isn’t crazy late, I know, but I was always pretty regular with my cycle. I mentally counted the days in my head, and yes I was supposed to start shark week (get it?) the day before. I happened to have a pregnancy test in my bathroom, any other time I was worried, I’d take a test and almost immediately start my mense right after. Looking back, I can’t imagine the look on my face when that faint second line appeared. After 5 positive tests at home and another one from the hospital confirmed we were indeed expecting, we were actually thrilled at the to be becoming parents.
We did make it through the pregnancy, but not long after. Our daughter was roughly 6 months old when we split. Nothing crazy happened, just that we grew up and grew apart. Jordan would take Kaylynn every other weekend and for the most part, life was normal. I had grown up in an almost identical situation so for me, it wasn’t a failure of a relationship, but rather an opportunity to keep the friendship alive for the sake of our child…
I had finally finished spreading the word of his death to his closest friends. Even though we had been apart almost as long as we’d been together, both his family and friends treated me as if I were family the entire time. I promised to keep information flowing as soon as I knew anything more.
I was standing in my backyard, looking out over the property I had just purchased less than 6 months before, when I heard the back door open and my mom poked her head out. “Kaylynn is awake, and using the bathroom. I’ll be honest, I can’t be here when you tell her….I’ll be back in half an hour.” Somehow, this honesty from my mom never once bothered me, but instead helped to empower me. There was a lifetime of sole parenting ahead for me, and that moment was as good a time as any to start.
My sleepy eyed, bed head little girl stepped out into the sunlight as I heard my mom’s car take off down the street. I sat down and took her onto my lap. Looking into her big, beautiful blue eyes, her dad’s eyes, I took a deep breath and tried to keep as steady as possible. I told her that there was an accident and daddy was in heaven now. Her little lips quivered as she asked me a very legitimate question: “so I don’t have a father anymore?” I bit my own lip and shook my head gently, explaining that he would always be her daddy, and he would be in her heart forever, she just wouldn’t be able see him anymore. With that, we both clutched one another and sobbed for a few minutes. In the sunshine and beauty of that day, I rocked my baby girl back and forth and soothed a pain she wasn’t even old enough to understand and one I couldn’t yet relate to. She was mourning the loss of the most important man in her life, as I mourned the loss of my first real love, best friend, and partner in parenthood. Neither of us would be the same ever again.
Initially, I figured we would cancel all of the plans we had made for that weekend. I don’t know why I had thought sitting at home was any better, after all, whether we liked it or not, we still had lives to lead. When mom got back, all three of us sat down and had a talk. In the end, Kaylynn was not happy about missing out on all of the things she had been promised she was going to be doing. She still wanted to go to the beach with our friends that day, and she still wanted to spend the weekend with grandma. Reluctantly, I asked mom a little later in private what I should do. Her response was not only some of the most accurate advice, but also took the weight of the moment off of my shoulders. She told me: “Ame, I think Kaylynn is going to be okay. At this age, she doesn’t really know the magnitude of the situation like you do. She also may not be hurting as much as you are at this very moment, being so young. Life is going to get very real for you both come Monday when you all begin funeral arrangements. I think you should take the weekend and get away from it while you can.” And so I did.
That weekend was exactly what I needed. I was able to escape from the reality of what life was going to be like and enjoy a (somewhat) care free weekend at the lake, trying not to focus on anything except soaking in the moments of distraction as they were peaceful and precious.
A part of me, even to this day, worried about the judgement that may come from this action. She abandoned her child after something like that to go up north with a different guy?? No I didn’t. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My mom helped raise my daughter, and no one else in the world loves her like she does. Their bond is incredible and unbreakable. Mom also knew that if things took a turn for the worst, I would have been home as fast as my car would take me. But that wasn’t necessary. Kaylynn had a wonderful weekend, full of fun and memories. She has since asked why I wasn’t there with her, and I tell her the truth each time. She doesn’t judge me for it, even if a part of my own heart still breaks that I couldn’t have been two places at once. Looking back however, I wouldn’t have changed the decisions I made. They were decisions made to help prepare me for what life was going to be like after we lost him. There were many quiet moments that were spent analyzing how I would tackle the future. One thing was for sure, though: no one can fully prepare for something like this. You learn as you go, and you learn as you grow.
This year, things were pretty low key. We spend each 4th of July together, nothing specifically planned other than the understanding that we are not spending the day mourning his death. We are mindful of the day, but we don’t dwell on things we cannot control. Only at bedtime did we even speak of it. She told me that she had tried to have a fun day but also felt like she couldn’t fully and that she should have been sad. I told her that daddy wouldn’t want her to be sad, because he loved so much to laugh and enjoy life. He would want her to be doing the same. I also told her that the pain she has in her heart will never go away, but will get easier and easier to carry. She nodded and buried her face in my chest and I rocked my tear filled girl again until she fell asleep.
God gives the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. For a long time, I only thought that applied to me int his situation. As I think about it more and more, it’s so clear that He also sees my daughter as one of His little soldiers. He gave her a daddy and took him away all before she started kindergarten. The most amazing thing to me though, is that she never once has used this for pity in any way. In fact, she doesn’t even tell people that Jordan died. She doesn’t want the attention from it and she doesn’t want others to see her cry. So tiny, and so very mighty.
I share this as a reminder that we all carry things with us. Most days are perfectly fine and normal. But every once in awhile, I too feel that hole in my heart where Jordan used to live and I can’t stop the flow of tears that stream down my cheek. Whether its healthy or not, I never let her see me like this… Sometimes I think it would make it hard for her, and sometimes I think it would be harder for me. We talk about him almost daily, as I want her to know its okay to include him in our lives. He existed and I never want her to feel like he’s just disappeared.
As I mentioned in the beginning, there are times in your life when things go horribly wrong, and we all have a choice to become a victim or a survivor. This experience was another factor that eventually led to my health and fitness journey. I want to be here for my daughter for as long as God will allow it. More importantly, I want the quality of that life to be the best it can be. In many ways, I’m all she has left, and that sort of pressure can be very powerful. I choose to be strong, not just for her, but for us.
“I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.” – Alex Elle
With that, I leave you until next time. Stay happy, stay healthy, and stay hopeful.